The first disappointment - Part 1

Days, weeks, months. What was a beautiful, happy and healthy relationship suddenly turned out to be an ugly, depressing and abusive relationship. Before I met him, I was fulfilled. I was enough for me. I was feeling the best I have ever felt in my life. I had promised myself I would not let any man hurt me as they had before. I guess now it is time for some background stories. Remember that I said I needed a change? You will understand why.

2003. Christmas. My family had just moved into our current house. My neighbor is 3 years younger than I but that didn't stop us from becoming friends. One afternoon, this boy was passing in front of our houses. She knew him. He is a family friend. The boy, who was around 18 years old, showed some interest in me. I was 11. Nothing happens. He started to pass in front of our houses more often. One day, he asked me to go to the end of the street with him. He wanted to talk. There are a little waterfall and a water fountain there. Lots of people go there. But no one was there that day. He started to kiss me. Kissing wasn't enough. I was wearing a dress. He started to touch my breasts and didn't stop there. His hands were going down my body. Waist. Hip. Ass. Thigh. Until he finally started to go under my dress. Between my thighs. He was going up now. He got his way through my panties. He had his hands down there. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't move. I couldn't say a word. I just stood there while he was fingering me. That was all he did. Maybe it wasn't a big deal for you that is reading this right now. But for me, it was enough to make me cry while I was walking back home. It was enough to make me cry while I was taking off my clothes and putting it in the trash. It was enough to make me cry while I was taking a shower. I needed a shower. I was feeling dirty. Even though, I didn't know exactly what had just happened. I had no idea. I cried all my feelings in the shower and locked them in a box inside of me. I haven't opened that box for a long time. I just kept filling that box with more bad feelings and bad experiences.

Should I keep going? Or this is enough for now? My heart is begging me to let everything out. I just can't do it all right now. I promise I will go back to this. Next time.