The first disappointment - Part 1

Days, weeks, months. What was a beautiful, happy and healthy relationship suddenly turned out to be an ugly, depressing and abusive relationship. Before I met him, I was fulfilled. I was enough for me. I was feeling the best I have ever felt in my life. I had promised myself I would not let any man hurt me as they had before. I guess now it is time for some background stories. Remember that I said I needed a change? You will understand why.

2003. Christmas. My family had just moved into our current house. My neighbor is 3 years younger than I but that didn't stop us from becoming friends. One afternoon, this boy was passing in front of our houses. She knew him. He is a family friend. The boy, who was around 18 years old, showed some interest in me. I was 11. Nothing happens. He started to pass in front of our houses more often. One day, he asked me to go to the end of the street with him. He wanted to talk. There are a little waterfall and a water fountain there. Lots of people go there. But no one was there that day. He started to kiss me. Kissing wasn't enough. I was wearing a dress. He started to touch my breasts and didn't stop there. His hands were going down my body. Waist. Hip. Ass. Thigh. Until he finally started to go under my dress. Between my thighs. He was going up now. He got his way through my panties. He had his hands down there. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't move. I couldn't say a word. I just stood there while he was fingering me. That was all he did. Maybe it wasn't a big deal for you that is reading this right now. But for me, it was enough to make me cry while I was walking back home. It was enough to make me cry while I was taking off my clothes and putting it in the trash. It was enough to make me cry while I was taking a shower. I needed a shower. I was feeling dirty. Even though, I didn't know exactly what had just happened. I had no idea. I cried all my feelings in the shower and locked them in a box inside of me. I haven't opened that box for a long time. I just kept filling that box with more bad feelings and bad experiences.

Should I keep going? Or this is enough for now? My heart is begging me to let everything out. I just can't do it all right now. I promise I will go back to this. Next time.

First time at his house

After I came back from New York, he finally invited me to his house. He was so insecure about it. I met him in downtown San Diego on Friday and we went to his city, Imperial Beach. We went to the beach, not the main one. It was so pretty. There isn't a lot of people down there and it is just a really nice beach to walk and relax. We went to his house after that. I really didn't understand why he was so insecure about his house. It is a cozy and nice house. His parents and his sister left and he made dinner for us. I couldn't stop thinking: Wow! Besides handsome, charming, caring, romantic, funny, he also cooks.

couscous, lamb and baked potatoes. Yummy :p

Wine, good food, and the best company. What else could I ask for?
We slept together that night. Sleeping in his arms is so nice. The best part is waking up with that cute face looking at you.
The next day, we went to the main beach. There is a really good homemade ice cream place by the pier. If you know me, you know that ice cream is my favorite dessert ever. We got rocky road and chocolate chip ice cream to share and walked on the pier. It was so nice going to the end of the pier and just look the ocean. I sure do miss those days.
Sunday, he showed me the Bay by his house. We walked on the bike path that goes to Coronado. It was so pretty. His grandparents came to his house for dinner and they are so cute. His grandma is 94 this year I think and his grandpa around 85. It was the first time I was meeting them. They were really nice. His grandma has a little cute dog. Max is so adorable.
Monday, I went to downtown San Diego with him when he was going to work. That way, I could stay the whole weekend and he didn't need to drive me up to San Marcos and go back by himself.
When he got at work, he texted me saying he missed me and he had a great weekend with me. Who would imagine that this cute guy could do what he did? Not me. I fell for him. It is really sad that everything was just lies.

The following couple months

Lake Poway where we hiked for the first time

After our first date, we started to see each other every weekend. A pizza slice place, a cute bistro, a romantic dinner by candlelight, a cozy and snuggle movie at home, a hike by the lake, a trip to the movies, a dinner with friends at a Brazilian restaurant. Our weekends were really amazing, romantic and happy. We enjoyed every second we could.

Things started to get more serious. I went to his gig and met his family. I was so nervous. I am Brazilian. English isn't my first language. I was so afraid they wouldn't understand me or think that I was rude or something. I really wanted to make a good first impression. They were very sweet. His mom invited me to sleep at his house lol. At that point, we hadn't had anything more than kisses and touches. What a kiss btw.

Time passed and Christmas was knocking on the door.  I was going to spend the holidays with my friend and her brother in New York. I was a little upset that I wouldn't be able to start the year with him. You know, the kissing tradition. By a twist of fate, he was going to New York around the same time. His dad's family is actually from upstate New York and they try to go there every year. Also, his twin sister's boyfriend lives in Brooklin, so they were going to the city as well. I was so surprised that without any communication, we both would be in New York. However, that wasn't enough for me. I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with him. So, put the thought in the air and he invited me to go upstate and spend some days with him and his family. I was super happy but also worried because we hadn't spent a night together before.

View from outside of the cabin *-*

I got the train to Rochester and met him at the train station. Then, we went to the cabin his family was staying. OMG! The cabin was so cute and so romantic. It looked like a dream or like I was in a movie. Now, a tricky part comes: as soon as I got inside of the cabin, he said he needed to talk to me. "You have two options: You can sleep with me or you can sleep on the couch." - he said. The drummer was sleeping with him in his room. There were two beds, so that is he didn't give me the option to sleep in his bed. It would be awkward. So, I decided to sleep with him and the drummer would be in the bed next to us. I thought we wouldn't do anything. I was wrong. The drummer decided to sleep in the living room and we had the room to ourselves. We were kinda nervous about it. We lay in the bed and started to kiss. The rest, you can imagine. We both are adults and that would happen eventually. The only thing I have to say is OMG! He was so perfect! It looked like he had my manual because he knew exactly what I wanted.

Our first picture together also first pic of 2016

We exchanged Christmas card. We were going out for about 2 months and we agreed on no presents. I bought a silly cute card and he bought a really beautiful card where he wrote pretty things with his bad handwriting. We flew to the city and had lunch at this really cozy and cute Italian restaurant. There we talked about why he changed his mind about dating (He didn't want to date anyone. Neither did I.) and we officialize our dating status on Facebook haha

That trip to New York was magic. I was so happy with our relationship. I couldn't imagine that this was what would come next.

Second date

After our first date, we kept talking every day. I couldn't forget his kiss on my cheek and all the things that were going on in my mind. That just made me want to go out on a second date with him. So we did. We met at Starbucks. Again. Then we went to this mountain close my house called Double Peak. The sunset. The mountains. The city. The view. Everything was amazing and so romantic. He was hugging me because we were up high and it was windy and I was cold. Being in his arms made me feel safe and wanted. I had not felt that way for a long time. I couldn't believe what was happening. Should I believe in love again? Should I put all the bad experiences with boyfriends I had in the past? Should I allow myself to be in love again? I shouldn't but I did.

After the sunset, we when to Carlsbad Village. We had dinner at this AMAZING restaurant called Jay's. Seriously, that restaurant is so freaking good. If you are in San Diego County, you should definitely check it out.

Later, we went to the beach. We sat on the sand and watched the waves. I have been in love with the ocean since I was a kid. I love just sitting on the sand, watching the waves and smelling the breeze. We made a bet: he would give me 10 dollars if the water hit him first than I. So we stood by the ocean waiting for a wave and then started running away from it. He was losing it so he held me trying to make me lose. It didn't work. I won. We sat down again and he told me he didn't have 10 dollars to give me but he could give me a kiss instead. "Your kiss isn't worth it 10 dollars" - I joked. He kissed my cheek and asked: "Really? Isn't it worth it?". There he goes again with his soft lips on my cheeks making me want him more. I couldn't fight it back. I wanted him. He wanted me. We made out. FOR HOURS!!! We rolled on the sand. He kissed my neck and held my waist. My hands went through his hair and his neck. His kisses were perfect to me. He pulled me close to his body. I hadn't felt so desired in my life. I wanted more of him. He made me want more. He was so good. But we just kissed. It was the best first kiss ever. Going back to that day, I keep asking myself:
What happened?

How did I get here?

Here I am. My tears fall on the cold and empty floor. I never thought I would be sitting here today. The way I am. I guess I should tell you why this is so surprising to me. Let’s go back to the beginning. August 2014. I had this amazing opportunity to live in another country for one and a half year. I have to tell you: You need to be brave! It is not easy but you can do it. I did it. I was in a moment of my life that I needed a change, so moving away was perfect. I was going to leave all the bad things, all the bad experiences and feelings in the past. They would not be allowed in my new life. One more time, I did it. I met really wonderful people that today I can call them FRIENDS. I am sure it doesn’t matter what happens in our lives, we will always be.

Everything looked so perfect. I was living in a place I really love and I had positive and friendly people around me. Then. September 2014. I made a decision that at the time I thought it was the best decision I have made in my life but today I can see it wasn’t. I met this guy. We became friends on Facebook. We talked every day. Like seriously, EVERY DAY!!! Then, we decided to go on a date. That is normal. My first impression of him was “how can he be more handsome than on his pictures?” - I wondered. On our first date, we met at Starbucks. A public place. Pretty standard if you are meeting someone that you have never met in person before. Safety in the first place.  He was really nice and kind. We went to the beach after. Some of my friends were at the beach. Again, safety in the first place. I introduced him and they were pretty cool about it. We had lunch and shared a milkshake. Here’s something you probably don’t know about me. I love to share food. So, the fact we shared a milkshake really made me HAPPY. I don’t know about you but this was probably the longest first date ever: 6 hours straight just talking. He is a musician. He had a band practice on that night so that is probably why we didn’t spend more time together. I walked with him to his car and he gave me an American hug. I say American because I am Brazilian and Brazilians are very touchy and warm and Americans mostly like their person space. I played around with him about this and actually told him the Brazilian way to say “Hello” and “Goodbye”. So he kissed me on my cheek. Yes, this is the Brazilian way to greet someone. His kiss made me sigh. It is so silly to think about this now but, have you ever met someone that when you two are together, your heartbeat increases, your hands feel cold and sweaty and you have butterflies in your tummy? That was exactly what I was feeling and that kiss just made me start to think about what could happen between us. I really didn’t want to fall in love with anyone because I knew I had to go back to my country in a year and a half. I didn’t want to put me through this pain. From the beginning of this, you probably can assume that I couldn’t let it go. “The Heart Wants What It Wants”. It was not the distance that distanced us. I am still looking, I am still trying to understand what happened to us.